How to Lie, Cheat, and Steal Your Way to Moral Bankruptcy
by Donald J. Trump
Everybody does it. Why not you?
Don’t you answer No to your starter wife when she puts on a few and asks: Does this make my hips look big? Of course you do! (In fact, marriage license small print requires husbands to say this. I’ve seen it, under a microscope — very small print most people miss!)
And who hasn’t fudged their taxes? The Catholic Church — well, they’re what you call exzempt, which is a good thing because, hey, that lawsuit settlement money has to come from somewhere! Okay, I pay no taxes, but there’s a really, really good reason for that.
My accountant, well, really my accounting firm — those guys are really, really smart. And really, accountants are put on this Earth to help the super-rich find loopholes. And talk about conspiracy theories: These loopholes were created by the government, I tell you, so we can keep more of our money. And these funds go to more important things — mainly ourselves (and of course mistresses; plus alimony, which my accountant told me is fully deductible. See? Smart!).
And, okay, I can see telling the truth, but isn’t that plus the whole truth and nothing but the truth a bit heavy-handed? Not to mention swearing. But, really, is putting your hand on the Bible in court somehow going to magically make you tell the truth? Perjury-schmerjury! And remember, you can always plead the Fifth!
Which leads me to the lie that really isn’t a lie. It’s called a Lie of Omission, but I don’t get it. If you don’t say the lie, how can it be a lie? Aren’t things you tell people lies, but things you don’t tell people not lies? (I believe those are called secrets.)
Of course, there are different kinds of lies of omission. There’s, of course, the good old-fashioned not-saying kind, like if you’re in the bedroom (or back of the limo or in the VIP room or just about anywhere else) with your mistress or just some random skank, and you happen to have an STD at the time, you don’t mention it. Because why spoil the moment and burden her with worry? And what if she’s got something nasty she’s keeping under her hat? And by hat, I mean . . . you know. If you tell her you’ve got the clap and she doesn’t tell you what she has, where’s the fairness in that? Also, there are vaccinations and safe sex methods — and possibly future cures — that make this information seem almost trivial. In fact, not disclosing your venereal disease helps remind us all to practice safe sex every time (or at least most of the time or maybe half the time — or at least occasionally).
Or if you forbid your ambassador to Ukraine from testifying in your impeachment inquiry, that’s not a lie. Yeah, there’s some omission in there somewhere, but it’s the good kind, so don’t worry about it.
Then there’s the other kind of lie of omission, and this is like the one when I say that Nancy Pelosi is no longer Speaker of the House. This kind of lie of omission omits the truthful part, but I think it still counts. It’s a lie, and I’m omitting something — so it makes a lot of sense. Of course, what do I say that doesn’t?
Who doesn’t “pad” the resume to give it just a little more pizazz? And really, the difference between an honorary degree and the other kind is, in my opinion, pretty insubstantial.
Who hasn’t peeked through their eyes playing hide-and-seek? Or pretended they didn’t know who broke the thing you’re not supposed to touch? (Sometimes it’s hard to remember what you can touch and what you can’t — I get that.) Who hasn’t scored the answers from a friend (or someone you bully) who took the test earlier in the day? Or heard about a stock about to go big? Who hasn’t taken a few extra hundreds when you’re the Monopoly banker? Embezzled millions of dollars from gullible losers who thought they would benefit from going to your for-profit university? Or withheld military aid from Ukraine, because . . . hmmm, I’ll get back to that. Or made a backdoor deal with Russia because election tampering isn’t really a big deal, but the video of me taking a “golden shower” — a really big deal.
And so many people, even smart people, they don’t understand that cheating is okay as long as you don’t get caught. See, so many people focus on the people who got caught, but if you don’t get caught, nobody thinks any worse of you — and it’s like you didn’t cheat at all!
Like George Washington said: Dishonesty is the best policy.
Who hasn’t snatched a cookie from the cookie jar (And speaking of snatches . . . um, never mind), or snatched somebody else’s inauguration photos and posted them by accident? Just because naysayers and finger-pointers want to blame you, really, they shouldn’t throw stones. Because stones are dangerous; throw stones, and I might have to call out riot cops.
And then you’ve got a bad population, mostly in California. California, a disgrace to our country. Aliens, and not talking spaceman kind. Oh no, unlike space aliens, these folks, they don’t have paperwork. Illegal. Illegal immigrants, stealing good-paying jobs away from honest Americans. Jobs hardworking American workers would love to work, lucrative jobs in growing fields, fields like fruit picking, vegetable picking, and even lawn maintenance. I mean, what manly American man wouldn’t love to ride a riding mower? Some have dreamed of the day. But this dream, this American dream, got snatched away. Snatched away ruthlessly by the greed and hunger and ridiculously strong work ethic of these people, these people who could make a good living back in their own countries; sure they’d make less than they do here, but cost of living, much lower there, so basically about the same.
Then you’ve got your leisure and hospitality jobs. You’ve got your hotel housekeeping, and those maids, talk about lucky! They get to work in air conditioning through the entire summer. How lucky is that? And then you’ve got your bellhops, your busboys, and why feel sorry for them? They make tips — tips! And I bet you all those tips, tips they should be reporting, they’re not reporting. And that’s stealing, too.
Your nonunion illegal immigrant construction worker, another guy living the American dream, stealing jobs away from our beloved Native Americans, who are good with heights; he’s got the hard hat and the metal lunchbox and he gets to climb up high on buildings and eat lunch up there; he gets to use power tools and all that construction machinery! The dump trucks and bulldozers and backhoes and that big digger with the claw that digs and digs. Boy, does it dig! Sure I used those guys on my construction projects because they work cheap and then I’d call the Federales so I wouldn’t have to pay them. So I got the last laugh on that one! Non-Americans trying to have the American Dream? Not on my watch!
Now, your restaurant kitchen labor, well, that one actually blows, so the Hispanos, they can have that job.
And another thing you have in California — started about two years ago — you have the homeless. And these homeless, an embarrassment, stealing our cities away from working people, people with homes. You have people that work in these cities. They work in office buildings, and to get into the building, they have to walk through a scene that nobody would have believed possible three years ago! When we have leaders of the world, and they’re riding down the highway, they can’t be looking at that! What’s happening in San Francisco, it’s terrible, and we may have to intercede. People say I have a problem with San Francisco, people say I resent San Francisco. San Francisco, with not a single building with my name on it.
So I got an idea, a great idea, even better than some of my other wonderful ideas. We take some facility — an old army base or some big factories — and we make it a complex, use it to take the homeless off the street, and we call it the Donald J. Trump Freedom Center because we are freeing ourselves of this epidemic. See, great idea!
4 . A Lie/Cheat/Steal Trifecta: Never pay back money guys lend you.
Ah, money lenders! Don’t get me started. If you pay people what you owe, they will expect everybody else to pay them back, too. This must not happen! It would only lead to more lending. So if you withhold the funds that these lenders would more than likely squander anyway, you teach them a valuable lesson. In the long run, you actually save them more money than you borrowed. Also gives them a more realistic outlook on the way things work in the real world and something to write off on their taxes. Be sure to borrow a lot, as this will make their understanding all the more clear. And if anybody hounds you about it, you have every right to declare bankruptcy, because that’s the American way! It’s worked for me (but remember, you can do it only every seven years).
And sometimes a loan isn’t actually a loan. Sure, you sign some paperwork, paperwork that says it’s a loan, but you and the lender, you both know it’s not. It’s a “loan,” but it’s really a payment. Payment for the country you rule to get a little leeway when it murders somebody (purely by accident or because a loose cannon somewhere doesn’t follow the game plan). When you rule over a country, see, you can’t control the actions of every single person. Sure, there are some who will believe anything you say (and I mean literally anything! It’s pretty incredible just how gullible some of these people are. If they weren’t my supporters, I’d suggest that we sterilize them, but instead, I’m going to encourage them to pump out as many babies as possible to keep the population of my base up and more people in poverty so that they need somebody else to blame). These guys have gone out and inflicted bodily harm on people who don’t support me. And I don’t support that, but what can I do? I’m only one guy, and I’ve pretty much got my hands full with all the other important things I do.
So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Benjamin Franklin, the Father of our Country (hey, he’s on the $100 bill, right?), said, “When you lend money, don’t expect to get it back,” and that’s really good advice.
So listen to me, and you’ll soon be on your way to the moral bankruptcy I have enjoyed for decades. And you’ll find — just like I did — that the longer you do it, the easier it gets!